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Post by schmack on Oct 23, 2006 8:18:46 GMT
Dear all,
please read the following warning as it's shocking contents is now dawning on me. We are all at risk!
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desire to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted to.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as a "relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Course" in the phone book.
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Post by schmack on Nov 1, 2006 11:57:46 GMT
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch Americanshows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Oh and......
Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can Buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
-Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the Drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a Skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were pl ug ged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars. and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet
I am proud to be British
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Post by alan on Nov 7, 2006 15:33:48 GMT
The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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Post by orrible on Nov 10, 2006 14:35:41 GMT
A woman is about to give birth in hospital. The doctor comes round and
asks her whether her husband will be joining her.
"No," she says, "I don't have a husband."
"Will your boyfriend be coming then?"
"No," she says, "I don't have a boyfriend either."
"I'm sorry if I seem inquisitive," says the Doctor, "but how did you
become pregnant?"
"Well," she replies in a shy quiet voice, "times are hard and I was
forced to make a porn film to make ends meet."
A few hours later the woman finally gives birth and the Doctor shows her
the new baby.
"You've got a lovely black baby boy" he tells her.
"Oh yes," she says, "the leading man was black. But why does the baby
have funny eyes?"
"You're right," says the Doctor, "his eyes look Chinese to me."
"Of course," she goes on, "now I remember. The stand-in guy was
Chinese."
"And he's got blond hair too," the Doctor continues in amazement.
"That will be the Swedish guys in the last scene," she explains. "They
were really great."
Doctor and patient stand around looking into the crib for a few seconds
and then the baby starts to cry.
The woman lets out a deep sigh of relief.
"Thank God for that. I was afraid he was going to bark."
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Post by orrible on Nov 10, 2006 14:40:43 GMT
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.
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Post by orrible on Nov 13, 2006 12:16:55 GMT
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat
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Post by orrible on Nov 28, 2006 16:13:29 GMT
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Post by the30yarder on Nov 28, 2006 20:15:16 GMT
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd
be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic'. Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!! Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!"
Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled..........
So I told her to **** right off.
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Post by Craig Benstock on Dec 5, 2006 12:02:37 GMT
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Post by orrible on Dec 5, 2006 13:54:29 GMT
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right! on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
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Post by orrible on Dec 7, 2006 10:19:38 GMT
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neeshy
County Player
Posts: 396
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Post by neeshy on Jan 13, 2007 18:51:50 GMT
one for orrible ! Michael Jackson has signed for liverpool. Apparently he couldnt resist the prospect of being spanked by 11 kids at home
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Post by orrible on Jan 16, 2007 10:07:38 GMT
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicenter in Canvey Island.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
* Fila or Burberry baseball caps
* Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White
* sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you”
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Post by the30yarder on Jan 18, 2007 14:14:43 GMT
New Scientific Finding
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption in 2007. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that every one of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight. 2) Talked excessively without making sense. 3) Became overly emotional. 4) Couldn't drive. 5) Failed to think rationally. 6) Argued over nothing. 7) Had to sit down while urinating. 8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. No further testing was considered necessary
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Post by Dan on Jan 18, 2007 14:52:06 GMT
lol
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Matt B
International Player
Posts: 582
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Post by Matt B on Jan 18, 2007 15:46:03 GMT
Excellent ;D Bought my wife a new book the other day. Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking. Not only is she a vegetarian.....
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Post by orrible on Jan 19, 2007 8:30:59 GMT
The Husband Store:
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down, except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 -- These Men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 -- These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 -- These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 -- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on the floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a store just across the street, where men can choose a New Wife:
The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through to the sixth floor have never been visited.
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Post by schmack on Jan 19, 2007 9:47:58 GMT
Tennessee Girl
A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either.
The Tennessee girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer and drinks it,
throws her glass into the air, pulls out her gun and shoots the Mexican
and the Iraqi, and catches her glass. She says, "In America we have so
many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same
ones twice.
God Bless America !
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Post by schmack on Jan 19, 2007 9:51:47 GMT
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49 Adventurous - Slept with everyone Athletic - No tits Average looking - Ugly Beautiful - Pathological liar Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure - On medication Feminist - Fat Free spirit - Junkie Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - Bitch Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!
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Post by orrible on Jan 19, 2007 19:31:38 GMT
did you pick that joke today Steve. I sent that out this morning.. lol. If so who forwarded it?
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