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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 9:23:35 GMT
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911. You are cleared to land Eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you, Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on Infidel's runway 9R. Allah Be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711. You are cleared to land Westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you, Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on Infidel's runway 9R. Allah Is Great!"
Pause: Static on the airways.
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead, Saudi Air 911."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us, ya hear?"
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 9:31:33 GMT
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered." Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on. Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes). They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself and they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 9:32:40 GMT
A man has tickets for the World Cup final. After he has been sitting in his seat for a few minutes, the man in the seat behind him taps him on the shoulder and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"Absolutely incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the Cup Final, one of the great sporting events, and not use it?"
"Well actually," he says, "the seat belonged to my wife. She was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," replies the man. "That's terrible.
But couldn't you find someone else to take the seat? A friend or relative, or even a neighbour?"
The man shakes his head and says, "No, they're all at the funeral"
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 9:43:21 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 9:46:58 GMT
Men are just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures? A man's last name stays put. The garage is all theirs.
Chocolate is just another snack.
Men can be President.
They can never be pregnant.
Men can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Men can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell them the truth.
The world is their urinal.
Men never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
Men don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $ 72.00.
People never stare at their chest when they're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle their feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Men know stuff about Tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Men can open all their own jars.
Men get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite him, he can still be your friend.
Men's underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Men almost never have strap problems in public.
Men are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Men only have to shave their face and neck.
Men can play with toys all their life.
Their belly usually hides their Big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
Men can wear shorts no matter how their legs look.
Men can "do" their nails with a pocket knife.
Men have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Men can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!!
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy Reading it!
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 9:53:01 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 9:57:10 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 9:59:36 GMT
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.The father turns to his son and says;
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies,"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:08:15 GMT
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. I'm sorry."
"Oh! By Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:09:34 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:11:56 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:17:46 GMT
As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her carpulls up alongside. she jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up, she jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, andruns back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a ******* gritter!"
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:20:13 GMT
A woman and her boyfriend are in a bar having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and let's her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth and finally you drink the lime juice.
So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but ok.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is ok.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....
At one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the Baileys curdles, at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says "So, how did you like it ?" It's called "Blow Job's Revenge."
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:25:47 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:29:29 GMT
JIM AND EDNA
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
"How soon can I go home?"
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:30:09 GMT
Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?"
Demanded Brian,
"and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered
"This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned
"You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied
"Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad"
he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said
"So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad"
replies Brian,
"but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating"
explained the rooster,
"don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never"
replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting
"Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:35:38 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:36:33 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:44:35 GMT
German Sex Technique
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you" "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"
"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.
Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing.......what do you call that?
"Ah", says the German,
"Four-sprung duck technique
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:49:08 GMT
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