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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:51:53 GMT
Subject: I KNEW MY RELATIONSHIP WAS IN TROUBLE
BUT.................................!
Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state,dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer! Bitch !
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 10:58:56 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 11:00:27 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 11:03:31 GMT
Richard Wharton walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to
the counter and said, "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing.
We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive
around
in a big
black Mercedes, uniform provided.
Because of the long hours of this job,meals will also be provided and
you
will also be required
to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package
is
£200,000 a year".
Richard said "You're bullshi#@ing me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 11:05:40 GMT
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Post by loopytunes on Jun 23, 2006 12:06:39 GMT
bloody hell ian dont u have anything else 2 do, lol
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2006 12:31:40 GMT
Just sharing a little happinness, while waiting for a phone call about my new house.
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Post by Craig Benstock on Jun 26, 2006 9:46:49 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 26, 2006 10:15:05 GMT
blimey. 21 minutes long! the first 8 minutes are good then i would skip to 17 mins and watch the last bit. |
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Post by Craig Benstock on Jun 26, 2006 11:58:49 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 26, 2006 20:56:19 GMT
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,
the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
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Post by orrible on Jun 26, 2006 21:02:59 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jun 28, 2006 2:56:16 GMT
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Post by loopytunes on Jun 28, 2006 11:52:57 GMT
lol
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Post by zorro77 on Jun 28, 2006 20:32:47 GMT
a man joins a nudist colony and on his 1st day there gets approached by a young blonde. on noticing his erection she says "did u call me?" "no" replies the man "i didnt". the lady replies, "its a rule here that if u get an erection it means u called me" with that she whisks him 2 the sauna where she lets him make love love 2 her. later that afternoon the man is walkin along when he lets one rip. within seconds a big fat hairy man appears and tells him "its a rule here that when u break wind u r calling me" with that the fat guy bends him over and has his way with him.
the new member staggers back 2 the reception and says, "u can have my membership card back and keep the money, im not coming back!" "why sir?" asks the receptionist, "i'll tell u why" says the man. " i get 1 erection a month, i fart 30 times a day!"
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Post by orrible on Jun 30, 2006 13:03:27 GMT
25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those ****ing kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A £2.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass ****************
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Post by orrible on Jun 30, 2006 13:24:40 GMT
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Post by orrible on Jul 20, 2006 0:43:49 GMT
A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."
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Post by orrible on Jul 20, 2006 0:45:42 GMT
Two men who work in a railway junction-box are switching shifts,
as one goes up the metal steps,
the other comes down and they meet half way.
"Hey Ron, you should have been here last night, man, it was great.
I noticed something down on the railway track and when I went to check,
it was a beautiful naked woman tied to the track.
I untied her and man, I'm still trying to convince myself it happened.
We went into the junction-box and had wild sex in every position, it
was
amazing."
"Wow, you lucky bum, did you get a blow job ?"
"No, I couldn't find her head."
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Post by orrible on Jul 20, 2006 1:01:06 GMT
What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott, aged 17¼
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other
grown up's.
It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to
live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does
live
there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will
make
Uncle
Owen cry if I do.
In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains.
We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle
Frank
has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their
underpants
mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and
wants
to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle
Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle
Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks
like
Orville, he is a duck.
Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if
I
had ever
worn them.
Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says
we
beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long
time
ago.
While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with
Auntie
Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got
herself
a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and
threw
it away.
She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn.
She says she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I
think she was telling fibs. I told Uncle Sol about my day out with
Vicky
and he
sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of
hundreds
& thousands on it.
All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he
plays
with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol
happy,
that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden,
Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk
to
him.
Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven
is
from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night.
Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a
plaster.
Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is
rubbish
at football
though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got
better
so they let him play football.
Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not likeit.
He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are
here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood
on
somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee.
They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying
again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop.
He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.
Theo
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