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Post by P.A.U.L on Nov 26, 2007 10:26:25 GMT
Another for you orrible.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jumped over the candle stick, Jack the fool, he should have jumped higher. Goodness gracious great balls of fire.
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Post by orrible on Nov 26, 2007 13:15:50 GMT
> Priest's Innitiation > > > Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for > them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, > beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. > > Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that > anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be > ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. > > The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. > She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests > until she got to the final priest, Carlo. > > Poor Carlo. > > As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering > across the ground and came to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlo > quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it > up...........then all the other bells started to ring.
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Post by orrible on Nov 26, 2007 13:26:23 GMT
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call." "Good Evening?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded hot. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm like talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That Sounds Fantastic... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press
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Post by orrible on Nov 26, 2007 13:40:27 GMT
A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the Doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old arse?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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Post by orrible on Nov 26, 2007 13:44:16 GMT
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Post by P.A.U.L on Nov 26, 2007 13:53:52 GMT
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Post by orrible on Nov 27, 2007 10:54:09 GMT
A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. '£85 for an extraction, sir' the dentist replied. '£85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?' 'That's the normal charge,' said the dentist 'Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?' 'That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off. 'Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without ananesthetic?' 'I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40'. 'How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session,>ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?' It'll be good for the students,' mulled the dentist,'and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5.' 'Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal,' said t he Scotsman. 'Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?'
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married, I was a hooker for eight years.' The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit' She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for St. Helens!!!'
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Post by orrible on Dec 7, 2007 19:12:42 GMT
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Post by orrible on Dec 11, 2007 16:36:45 GMT
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with One large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are Killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
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Post by orrible on Jan 12, 2008 11:57:51 GMT
INNER PEACE By following the simple advice I heard on a recent TV medical programme, I have at last finally found inner peace. A Doctor advised that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started but not finished. So, this morning I looked around the house to identify all unfinished tasks. In the course of my therapy, I finished off 19 Benson & Hedges, A bottle of Merlot, A bottle of Shhhardonay, A bodle of Baileys, A butle of vocka, A pockage of Prunglies, Thamainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, The rest of the Chesescke An a bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu feel AR in ned ov inr pece.
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Post by orrible on Jan 24, 2008 14:59:16 GMT
Anagrams
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY: = DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: = BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: = MOON STARER
DESPERATION: = A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: = THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: = HE BUGS GORE GAUTENG: = GET A GUN
THE MORSE CODE: = HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: = CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: = IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: = LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: = ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: = IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: = THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: = TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: = WOMAN HITLER
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Post by orrible on Jan 30, 2008 20:27:27 GMT
Jeremy Beadle goes to the doctor and says,"doctor i think my D*ck is too small but on the other hand, I think its massive"
RIP
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Post by orrible on Feb 21, 2008 15:49:31 GMT
A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian
> > A Trinidadian, a Jamaican, a Barbadian and a Grenadian > went to New York for the Labor Day weekend. > > To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No > one wanted to room with Daryl, the Grenadian, because > he snored so loudly. They decided it wasn't fair for > the same person to stay with Daryl every night, so > they voted to take turns. > > The Trinidadian slept with Daryl on the first night > and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a > mess and his eyes all bloodshot. > > They said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, > 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him > all night.' > > The next night it was the Bajan's turn. In the > morning, he arrived for breakfast with hair all > disheveled, eyes all blood-shot. > > They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look > awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. > I watched him all night.' > > The third night was the Jamaican's turn. Frank was a > big burly wrestler from Montego Bay. > > The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and > chipper. 'Good morning,' he said. The others couldn't > believe it! > > They said, 'Man, what happened?' > > He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and > tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night ... > > He sat up and watched me all night long.'
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Post by orrible on Feb 24, 2008 10:10:10 GMT
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Post by orrible on Mar 5, 2008 23:31:51 GMT
BRITAIN IS REPOSSESSING THE U.S.A.
To the citizens of the United States of America :
Ahem!
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Better not try Rugby - the South Africans and the Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.
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Post by orrible on Mar 6, 2008 0:12:16 GMT
and..
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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deano
County Player
Posts: 391
Team: Girton
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Post by deano on Mar 6, 2008 23:10:10 GMT
Patrick swayze has said ghost 2 will be out in about 6 weeks!
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Post by orrible on Mar 7, 2008 15:24:53 GMT
A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers, "Yes."
The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
He then asks the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."
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Post by orrible on Jun 6, 2008 8:52:47 GMT
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'F off, ye'll no bring it back!'
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Post by orrible on Jun 23, 2008 13:30:20 GMT
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?
25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door
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