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Post by orrible on Apr 2, 2009 18:39:27 GMT
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Post by Rich Wharton on Apr 3, 2009 10:13:50 GMT
That's never real.
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Post by Craig Benstock on Apr 3, 2009 11:07:34 GMT
It's a real fake
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Post by Craig Benstock on May 20, 2009 9:28:07 GMT
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic 2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza 2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu
Has any one else noticed this? It gets worse........ next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the **** - what could possibly go wrong?
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Post by Rich Wharton on May 20, 2009 12:07:49 GMT
I assume the word blanked out is the one referring to a male chicken? Jesus Christ, talk about treating us like kids... can't even use the word ****.
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Post by Craig Benstock on May 20, 2009 12:12:54 GMT
Oh yea, I can't belive that the **** blanked out the **** when all I **** was **** and ****, it's ****, ****, ****, and ****. *** ****.
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Post by orrible on Jun 17, 2009 12:35:54 GMT
Marriage Humor Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby:'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy:'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
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Post by orrible on Sept 22, 2009 0:54:19 GMT
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Post by orrible on Sept 27, 2009 22:12:34 GMT
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Post by orrible on Dec 17, 2009 19:56:53 GMT
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
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Post by AndyG on Jan 10, 2010 16:59:37 GMT
Do you think Adebayor ran the length of the bus to celebrate in front of those Gunners
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Post by orrible on Feb 19, 2010 10:31:28 GMT
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Post by orrible on Feb 22, 2010 9:17:19 GMT
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Post by orrible on Feb 22, 2010 11:06:15 GMT
IDIOT SIGHTING #1 My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the assistant a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece as well.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..
Do not confuse the assistants at MacD's!
IDIOT SIGHTING #2 We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING #3 I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING #4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.... IDIOT SIGHTING #5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened at Luton Airport .... UK
IDIOT SIGHTING #6 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex , UK .... IDIOT SIGHTING #7 When my husband and I arrived at our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the fitter/mechanic, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans,Hertfordshire UK .....
STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!
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rusty
County Player
Meanmachine. CSC M
Posts: 429
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Post by rusty on Feb 22, 2010 20:41:58 GMT
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he Decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home From her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and Fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2008 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S............. Bloody hot down here!
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Post by orrible on Apr 11, 2010 12:21:37 GMT
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Post by orrible on Apr 29, 2010 8:37:38 GMT
The spoon: A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
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Post by controller on Nov 28, 2011 5:31:44 GMT
god may have made a mistake when Amy Winehouse asked for Speed
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Post by Craig Benstock on Nov 28, 2011 23:26:44 GMT
Have u got any funny Gary speed jokes?
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Post by controller on Sept 29, 2012 8:54:03 GMT
Paul Stel insisting he had a kick ;D
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