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Post by orrible on May 15, 2007 11:18:32 GMT
How to keep amused for hours. Subject: Mouse... How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when we move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works? Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done. With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent. Click on the link below and you will find out. The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears, slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works. Follow this link and find out the truth www.1-click.jp/
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Post by orrible on May 15, 2007 11:24:19 GMT
and another one:
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do his favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him. "Mike! Mike!" "Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike, it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for Tuesday."
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k
Potter
Posts: 72
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Post by k on May 15, 2007 16:18:55 GMT
Hehe, that is actually true, tho it was a British train company that did it. We were watching a video of it being used properly with jet engines in a lecture the other day (not a pretty sight) and our lecturer told us that story
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Post by AndyG on May 21, 2007 7:26:50 GMT
READ CAREFULLY BEFORE CLICKING ON THE LINK BELOW: There are two identical pictures that will appear on the screen. Almost 8000 people were tested to see if they could find the 3 differences and only 19 got it. See how observant you are and if you find all 3 differences, you are one of the most elite people in the world! Spot the difference test
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Post by orrible on May 29, 2007 19:20:52 GMT
Scousers ;D
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
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Post by stelmagic on Jun 5, 2007 15:30:40 GMT
The Sweet joke -(think i can get away with this one ) Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar, it felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing.. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper! Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel., Sadly 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
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Post by AndyG on Jun 11, 2007 13:17:55 GMT
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Post by orrible on Aug 4, 2007 18:17:17 GMT
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."
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Post by Craig Benstock on Aug 17, 2007 9:58:34 GMT
SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking ********. BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" – needless paperwork and processes. GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies. 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located. AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!". MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am. BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
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Post by stelmagic on Aug 17, 2007 12:14:40 GMT
someones been reading viz ;D my favourite one is a BOBFOC a young lady thats looks good from behind but does not quite brush up form the front hence .... Body of Baywatch Face Of Crimewatch
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Post by zorro77 on Aug 19, 2007 17:17:01 GMT
talkin of jokes, the football 2day! the ref was a big joke! so was malouda, cheatin swine!
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Post by thebacker on Sept 6, 2007 7:39:12 GMT
Biggest joke of all............
Coral bookmakers.
All our pool team are now restricted to bets no more than £20 from today.
Too much winning.
Anybody prepared to help out ?
Those tills need emptying daily.
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Post by Dan on Sept 6, 2007 14:46:18 GMT
I'll help if i'm about
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Post by thebacker on Sept 7, 2007 5:36:48 GMT
Cheers Dan, whats your mobile number ?
Mine is 07774 714799
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Post by The Iceman on Sept 7, 2007 8:06:41 GMT
the three tenors have a replacement for Paverotti. Elton John will join them and they will be known as two tenors and a nine bob note
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Post by Rich Wharton on Sept 20, 2007 22:21:53 GMT
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Post by Rich Wharton on Sept 26, 2007 8:37:34 GMT
Biggest joke of all............ Coral bookmakers. All our pool team are now restricted to bets no more than £20 from today. Too much winning. Anybody prepared to help out ? Those tills need emptying daily. Probably a good idea for most people to stay clear of this. The guy is seriously paranoid, and would knock over his grandma for £20. Dan, trust me, stay clear. I'll talk to you about it later.
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Post by orrible on Nov 17, 2007 12:18:59 GMT
This may be a true story. A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to England . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care,free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Polish." The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England !" The person says, "I not English, I am from Croatia. The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England !" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not English!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?" She says, "No, I am from Iraq !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English people?" The Iraqi lady checks her watch and says.... "Probably at work."
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neeshy
County Player
Posts: 396
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Post by neeshy on Nov 17, 2007 20:33:19 GMT
This may be a true story. A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to England . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care,free education and all wonderful social monetary benefits!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Polish." The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England !" The person says, "I not English, I am from Croatia. The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England !" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iran, I am not English!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?" She says, "No, I am from Iraq !" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English people?" The Iraqi lady checks her watch and says.... "Probably at work." This Aint no joke its a Fact . What the hell is happening to ENGLAND
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Post by orrible on Nov 25, 2007 19:07:48 GMT
Orribles Modern nursery rhymes:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh ****, it's Global Warming.
Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have u got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you dickhead.
Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.
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