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Post by orrible on Feb 5, 2007 21:35:51 GMT
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Post by orrible on Feb 8, 2007 18:17:28 GMT
WORST EVER FAMILY FORTUNES ANSWERS:
Name something with a hole in it -- Window Name a non-living object with legs -- Plant Name somewhere you might have to stand in a queue -- the middle. Name an animal that's hard to tell what sex it is -- an elephant. Name something you find under the seat of your car -- a gun Name some famous brothers: Bonnie and Clyde Name something made of wool: Sheep The last thing you take off before going to bed: Your feet Name a country that has a lot of snow. -- Alaska Name a famous fictional bear -- Polar Name a way you toast someone. -- Over a fire Name something you feel before you buy it -- Excited. Name a country that starts and ends with the letter 'A'. -- Africa. Name something found in an operating room – Operator Something a blind man might use? A Sword Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde. A dangerous race? The Arabs Something that floats in a bath? Water An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse A famous Royal? Mail Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters Something a cat does? Goes to the toilet Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate Something associated with pigs? The Police Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep Something you put on walls? A roof Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
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Post by orrible on Feb 16, 2007 11:48:11 GMT
Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins? A. Society.
Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex? A. Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl? A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a chav in a box? A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? A. Sorted.
Q. What do you call a chav in a suit A. The defendant
Q. Why did the chav cross the road? A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit? A. The bride.
Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him? A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night? A. What you looking at.
Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's? A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs
Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving? A. The policeman!
Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox? A. Paint 3 stripes on it.
Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river? A. A start.
Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out? A. Up the arse.
Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame? A. Because a nova has 4 seats.
Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's? A. A liar.
Q. What do you say to a chav with a job? A. Bigmac please.
Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl? A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count .
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Post by orrible on Feb 16, 2007 12:00:57 GMT
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Post by orrible on Feb 16, 2007 13:13:39 GMT
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Post by Rich Wharton on Feb 19, 2007 11:51:50 GMT
A Buddhist walks up to a Hotdog Seller and asks him, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Sorry to the people who won't get this joke, but it's my favourite!!
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Post by Craig Benstock on Feb 19, 2007 14:00:21 GMT
I've been trying to make one of these up and the best I can come up with so far is....
An abrubt ex army officer with 1 arm goes up to a hot dog seller and asks him, "Can you make me a hot dog. Nothing on the side. Hold the Mustard"
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Matt B
International Player
Posts: 582
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Post by Matt B on Feb 19, 2007 14:22:09 GMT
Police yesterday found an ice cream seller slumped unconscious in the seat of his van, covered in flakes, hundreds and thousands and strawberry sauce. Apparently he had topped himself..... The old ones are (nt) the best right?
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Post by AndyG on Feb 20, 2007 13:45:31 GMT
So this duck walks into a pet store and says to the clerk, "Got any duckfood?"
"No", says the clerk, "we only sell dog food and cat food." "OK", says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" The clerk once again replies, "No, like I told you, we only sell cat food and dog food." "OK", says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" The clerk says "Hey look, I told you two times already that we only sell cat food and dog food!" "OK", says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any duck food?" This time the clerk yells "We don't sell any ****** duck food, and if you come in here one more time asking, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the ground!" "OK", says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says "Uh, got any nails?" "No", says the confused clerk. The duck says, "Got any duck food?"
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Post by Dan on Feb 20, 2007 23:43:08 GMT
Palmjob's idea of heaven...
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Post by orrible on Feb 23, 2007 10:54:32 GMT
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.
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Post by orrible on Feb 23, 2007 23:39:40 GMT
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool
fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,
"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked,
"Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, tell me, why are you a Chelsea fan?"
"Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so
I'm a Chelsea fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone of voice, "that
is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if
your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would
you be then?"
Mary smiled, "Then I'd be a Liverpool fan."
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Post by orrible on Feb 26, 2007 12:09:57 GMT
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Post by orrible on Feb 28, 2007 15:40:51 GMT
You Have 2 Cows
SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISE: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. you then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
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Post by AndyG on Feb 28, 2007 15:47:59 GMT
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Post by orrible on Mar 4, 2007 3:35:44 GMT
To all you West Ham fans: To the the tune of the party song the okey cokey - U put ya Argies in.. Ya Argies out.. The Iceman comes in & and he kicks the gaffer out.. Ya selling Reo Coker & ya going down.. Thats what we love to shout.. Ohhhh w***** w***** West Ham (repeat 3 times) Misfits, hasbeens HA HA HA!!!
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Post by schmack on Mar 12, 2007 12:20:36 GMT
"These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ____________________________________________ And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post by juls on Mar 12, 2007 15:09:57 GMT
ARSENAL F.C. END OF SEASON DINNER DANCE
StarterEgg on Face Seasoned Hash Frogs legs (past their best) Spanish Surprise (well beaten)
Main course Humble Pie Chump Chops French (has) Beans Manager's Beef (not rare) NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.
Dessert Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow) Fruitless Tarts Raspberry Fools Hard Cheese
Drinks Bitter Little Spirit French Whine Cabernet Empty 2007 Champagne - sorry none ordered STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES
NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.
Guest speaker: Steven Gerrard - "What it's like to win the European Cup"
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Post by AndyG on Mar 22, 2007 11:29:49 GMT
Want to find out where someone is? Try this to track down anyone's mobile phone to see where they are to within a few metres www.sat-gps-locate.com(Leave out the initial 0 of the number when you enter it)
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potter
Won a few trophies
Posts: 179
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Post by potter on Apr 10, 2007 14:20:26 GMT
Clean can be funny.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
************************************************** A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
****** ********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ********************* *****************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." **************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
************************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." **************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. **************************************************
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