As much as it amuses me to read some match reports I rarely write them, but after reading Garry's latest effort I feel a more flippant recollection of the evenings events is required so as not to delude the readers as to the standard on show ...
Frame 1, Paul Reed v Monty Mills. Nothing too exciting to talk about until Paul's arm fell off whilst cueing up for the black! Instinctively, he scanned the room for the reason and we were treated to a verbal outburst which failed to end in any kind of brawl, unfortunately. Luckily, we managed to rescue Paul's arm from the adjoining table and reattach it without him noticing and before his next visit, phew! There were a few more tentative shots and Monty potted a ball where there was at least 3ft between white and object ball, - 3 foot I tell you, you had to be there to believe it! He then managed to pot 2 more balls which weren't quite so far away from their intended destination.
0-1
Frame 2, Ben Turner v Dean Stacey. I stayed long enough to hear Ben mind game Dean with reference to a previous match where he won the frame left handed. I missed most of the frame so can only report Ben potted the black.
1-1
Frame 3, Darren Edmonds v Stuart Cassidy. Balls split nicely off the break and I failed to take out a dish my Mum could have taken out after landing almost touching to my penultimate yellow - no complaints, poor positional shot. Stu pulled out the snookers, eventually getting 2 shots and won the frame. There were no 3ft pots as I recall though.
1-2
Frame 4, Steve McCann v Darren Clarke. Darren breaks, comes up dry and Steve dishes a not quite so straightforward split off the break.
2-2
Frame 5, Tim Florey v Matt Burton
Frame 6, James Hennessey v Garry Browne.
Frame 7, Paul Reed v Stuart Cassidy.
Frame 8, Ben Turner v Darren Clarke.
I'm sure I watched these frames, but the early onset of Alzheimer's means I can't remember anything about them - aside from the winner, as confirmed by the 1 beside their name on the scorecard.
3-5
Frame 9, Darren Edmonds v Matt Burton. My frame, I might be able to remember this one! Matt broke and came up dry so I took it as an invitation to dish the table. Started to go wrong one ball before my penultimate yellow this time, as I got overexcited at the thought of actually winning a frame and overscrewed a simple drop in to the middle. Having to get position by screwing off another ball I got further out of position. Cut the penultimate ball along the bottom cushion relying on luck to find a gap between Matt's reds for my final ball - no luck. A few untaxing snookers by Matt and I managed to go in off after contacting my yellow. Again, poor mistake, my bad. Matt mistook the baize for a designated forestry commission zone and after a bit of chopping managed to reduce his ball count a little and use both shots. A mediocre long double attempt by myself and all Matt's balls were free from the cushion and it looked like curtains after he potted the first - another over 3 footer! I didn't see his arm fall off, but perhaps he got something in his eye, as his managed to jaw his last red, leaving me cueing out of the bottom jaw for my yellow at the opposite end of the table. Black in the open, just the pot I tell myself ... the pot went in, but my lack of cue ball planning caught me out as the white trickled ever closer then into the middle. Matt rolls them in to take the frame.
3-6
Frame 10, Steve McCann v Garry Browne. This frame descended into a small tactical battle with multiple balls crowding a couple of pockets. Steve got the first good chance to make the finish and after landing a bit straight on his final red had a rush of blood. Whether he planned to banana the white or not I couldn't tell you, but banana it did. Off the top cushion straight into the middle pocket that had taunted me a few minutes earlier. Garry successfully stabbed the remaining balls into pockets to claim the frame.
3-7
Frame 11, Tim Florey v Monty Mills. I disappeared again during this frame although I'm led to believe Tim unexpectedly missed a ball and let Monty back in to clear. Monty wins 2 out of 2 and a pig, being ridden by a cat flew through the doors of CSC, circumnavigated the snooker room and cruised out through one of the holes in the roof just as gracefully as it had arrived.
3-8
Frame 12, James Hennessey v Dean Stacey. I might have blinked and missed a major portion of this frame as with 80% of the balls left James disturbed a few balls and cannoned in the black, oops!
3-9
capl.pool-stats.com/default/viewtmatch/6732In summary, the Old Boys demonstrated the fine run of form that has led them to 6 losses in a row. Unlucky, maybe, but a lack of clinical finishing is costing us frames.
I continued my run of running out of position during finishes to achieve an impressive 20% hotshot record. I'm so glad all but 1 team in the premier division has decided to buy a set of balls noone ever uses unless they go to Yarmouth!
All views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author in an attempt to exaggerate his ability whilst providing amusing toilet based reading material for others. Anyone taking offence should locate a suitably comedic image and tag me in it on the CAPL facebook group!